May I Be Frank is now controversial. Although I have tried not to be, at times I’ve been annoying, aggravating and inappropriate. It appears that I’ve stumbled upon yet another way of rubbing people the wrong way; my blog. We have been screening the May I Be Frank around the Bay area since May of last year. My guess is that around 2000 people have seen it. Some have viewed it several times. We are now aggressively promoting the film. Since January we have launched a new website, signed on an agent and, our Goddess in residence, Maritza Schafer, encouraged me to start blogging.

Quite frankly, even the word blog bothered me; too many hard consonants and too few vowels. My first challenge was wrapping my head around the possibility that somebody would actually give a shit about what I wrote. I was further advised to, “Just be yourself, write what you talk about.” Easier said than done. When conversing there is an energy exchange, the dialogue is self perpetuating. While in the midst of conversing, one is free from pondering the notion of the millions that could conceivably read about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Obviously, there is a conflict of reasoning here: “Why would anybody want to read this crap,” as opposed to, “My God, I could be criticized by millions around the world.” Clearly, I have a rich inner life.
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This Thursday I will be attending the Sundance Film Festival. This was not the vision occupying my mind as I wobbled out the rehab doors 3 years ago. I believed that the best I would ever do was learn to endure life. Actually, that’s what I did for nearly a year; barely endure. How in the world did I get from there to here?

Whenever things happened or changed in my life I felt that these events were outside of me; they were happening around me and to me. It never occurred to me that I and not it, was changing. The only way I recognize change is through other people and my relationships. People respond differently to me because I am different and not because their circumstances have changed.
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Since May, we have been screening May I Be Frank around the Bay area. After the show, people ask me questions about food, health, drugs and alcohol addiction. The question most people ask me about is weight loss. Over the past eighteen months I have lost about 120 pounds. I have had to change my wardrobe seven times.

I first met the boys from the Gratitude Café four years ago. We began shooting the film on Valentine’s Day 2006. It feels so long ago. When we began the project we had no idea of what we were getting into. We had a concept of shooting the opposite of Super Size Me. What eventually emerged as the final product transcended our wildest dreams. The film reveals the pain of ruptured family relationships and the struggle toward redemption and health. May I Be Frank is also forty two days of life shared by three young men and a very unlikely fourth. The subject was in a terrible state of mind and body. Nevertheless, all of us saw something in each other that generated a bond that lasts to this day.
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I was nearly dead three years ago. At that time, I was drowning in a sea of emptiness. The world had lost all sense of proportion. Even the colors were fading. Everything had a grainy film noir feel to it. For nearly a year I had been consuming enormous amounts of prescription narcotics. The road back to recovery would be long and painful.

Lately I have been having flashbacks to the time leading to my overdose. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization does not begin to define the moment. My world was collapsing and I saw no way out. Fortunately for me there was a way, but it would take a year before the fist in my chest would open. It would take another eighteen months before I got my body back. My mind, however, is still in the clearing phase.
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Last night we screened May I Be Frank? at the Kerner Theater; formally part of the Industrial Light and Magic complex owned by George Lucas. This was where his Star Wars and Raiders magic happened. It was in this theater that these films were first viewed. Last night our humble film shared that very screen. How in the world did I get from my first vegan meal in 2006 to here?

To be honest, on our way there I nearly got into two accidents and Jackie was on the verge of taking the wheel. I was so uptight about what I was about to do I was nauseous. Jackie just kept saying, “Breathe baby, just breathe deep.” Personally, I think she was praying we could get through the evening without the aid of paramedics and tow trucks.
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