Life wants to happen

I was nearly dead three years ago. At that time, I was drowning in a sea of emptiness. The world had lost all sense of proportion. Even the colors were fading. Everything had a grainy film noir feel to it. For nearly a year I had been consuming enormous amounts of prescription narcotics. The road back to recovery would be long and painful.

Lately I have been having flashbacks to the time leading to my overdose. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization does not begin to define the moment. My world was collapsing and I saw no way out. Fortunately for me there was a way, but it would take a year before the fist in my chest would open. It would take another eighteen months before I got my body back. My mind, however, is still in the clearing phase.

Today bares no resemblance to what happened three years ago. Life is all around me. The Universe opens portals and gives me glimpses into things to come. My son’s beautiful Erica gave birth to my first grandson, Vincent on December 13. Tomorrow I will fly to North Carolina and meet little Vincent for the first time.

Vincent’s birth filled me with hope and a new appreciation for my son. I have always loved Nicholas. He was, like many boys, a real pain sometimes. His middle school and high school years were exasperating. It seemed like I was in the principal’s office twice a week. Nevertheless, he brought so much laughter and brightness into my life. Through him I learned the meaning of unconditional love. You can always break up with a lover or change friends. A child , however, needs to be fed and nurtured even if you are angry.

Anger and violence in the home causes profound damage. In my case the effects were debilitating and long lasting. I made a vow that I would never hit my kids and I never did. I was also aware of the impact of verbal abuse which sometimes hurts more than a strap. I did my best to avoid that as well. Now that Nick and my daughter Lisa are adults, I can see the result of breaking the chain of violence and abuse so prevalent in my childhood.

I am so grateful that my children have loving hearts. As a boy and even as a teenager, Nick was always exceptionally gentle with babies and little kids. I know he will be that way with Vincent. I always felt bad about not having enough money to buy houses or things that I knew they would love to have. I still do to some extent. But my kids are genuinely good people who care about others and are not afraid to show it. Could it be that in spite of all the mistakes and difficulties that we did ok by them? Their minds and souls are intact. They know how to share love and they will never hit their kids. Maybe the money will come, maybe it won’t. Either way, I know Nick will love and care for Vincent until his last breath and so will I.