Brooklyn Boy meets Sundance Kid

This Thursday I will be attending the Sundance Film Festival. This was not the vision occupying my mind as I wobbled out the rehab doors 3 years ago. I believed that the best I would ever do was learn to endure life. Actually, that’s what I did for nearly a year; barely endure. How in the world did I get from there to here?

Whenever things happened or changed in my life I felt that these events were outside of me; they were happening around me and to me. It never occurred to me that I and not it, was changing. The only way I recognize change is through other people and my relationships. People respond differently to me because I am different and not because their circumstances have changed.

I am going to Sundance in order to promote May I Be Frank. Apparently, the Universe is conspiring on my behalf. A friend of mine has generously offered to introduce me to people that could affect the success of the film and possibly change the course of my life. People I secretly felt were always better than me. Well, not so secret, my therapist knows. Going to Sundance is not only about promoting the film; I will be in confrontation with archival demons.

The tape loop in my head is revitalized and invigorated. “Who do you think you are?!” “You’re too old.” “You’re not serious are you? “My God, you’re more of a fool than I thought.” You get the general idea. As I move past the threshold of my comfort zone, the chorus gets louder and longer.

There was a time when I could quiet these voices with a little Stolichnaya. Actually, it was always al lot of Stoli. Today, I’m clean and sober and I get to feel everything. The reason I even get to go to this great event is because I’m sober and healthy. I have come to the conclusion that this is my work; not only to promote the film, but to slay the dragon that bleeds my spirit dry.

I am scared but I’m no punk. If I don’t face my fears I begin to hate myself. It gets harder to live with myself. When I first got sober, I used to always shave in the shower so I wouldn’t have to look in the mirror. The rationale was that it was a better shave. In my heart of hearts I knew the dark truth.

Now I will be going to a wonderful place to mingle with the rich and famous and beautiful. My mission is to promote a film which exposes my weaknesses, my dark side, my fatness and my feeble attempt at redemption. Although the film is a great piece of work, I still need to make peace with the main character.

People tell me they like the fat guy in the movie. Women tell me they would have dated the guy on the screen. Even kids like it. All I have to do is forgive that guy and accept myself just as I am. So off I go to Park City, Utah to do my best. My friends and colleagues insist I was made for this job. I’m told to just be myself, nothing more and nothing less. Their love inspires me. With all this encouragement I just might pull this off. Wish me luck. See you at the movies.