What It’s Like Now

May I Be Frank is now controversial. Although I have tried not to be, at times I’ve been annoying, aggravating and inappropriate. It appears that I’ve stumbled upon yet another way of rubbing people the wrong way; my blog. We have been screening the May I Be Frank around the Bay area since May of last year. My guess is that around 2000 people have seen it. Some have viewed it several times. We are now aggressively promoting the film. Since January we have launched a new website, signed on an agent and, our Goddess in residence, Maritza Schafer, encouraged me to start blogging.

Quite frankly, even the word blog bothered me; too many hard consonants and too few vowels. My first challenge was wrapping my head around the possibility that somebody would actually give a shit about what I wrote. I was further advised to, “Just be yourself, write what you talk about.” Easier said than done. When conversing there is an energy exchange, the dialogue is self perpetuating. While in the midst of conversing, one is free from pondering the notion of the millions that could conceivably read about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Obviously, there is a conflict of reasoning here: “Why would anybody want to read this crap,” as opposed to, “My God, I could be criticized by millions around the world.” Clearly, I have a rich inner life.

Lately, I have been receiving formal criticism by email and in person. For a split second I was bugged and worried about the project. Then it hit me, they are talking about us and with strong feelings no less. Isn’t that the point of any art, to get people talking and feeling? Most of the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. Any artist or alcoholic will tell you that one negative critic can be louder than 100 praising voices. This time the criticism has left me inspired.

What’s this all about you may or may not wonder, depending on if you give a shit or not? In the film, I went on a raw food diet for 42 days. I did lose some weight and my life did improve. I also had weekly colonics and attended a variety of workshops. I no longer adhere to this strict regimen. This departure from the raw plan has created a disturbance in the force.

I was told May I Be Frank left the impression that I was still raw and that showing the final transformation relative to the film was disingenuous. Certain viewers were under the impression that my entire transformation including my current state of being was a result of what happened during the film.
I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Ryland, Cary and Conor for freely and generously expressing their love for me. Taking on such ambitious project without experience reflects enormous courage and idealism. The boys reminded me of a time when I still believed anything was possible. Because of them, I started on the arduous path of self forgiveness and self acceptance. Ryland, Conor, Cary, Gregg and I were and are committed to being authentic in matters concerning the film and in the way we live our lives. This can get tricky when playing in the public arena. Reality is precise, perception is not. In my opinion there is no such thing as an objective point of view. Everything we view is evaluated through a set of filters and experiences that shape one’s perception.

The path I’m on today is a departure from what I practiced in the film. This is not a rejection of what was practiced in the film. It is a reflection of shifts I have made in my life. It’s been four years since we filmed May I Be Frank and those have been dog years. I had a near death experience as a result of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

Apparently, God has a plan for me. I am not sure what it is, but every once and a while I get glimpses and clues as to my soul’s purpose. Those moments are beautiful and overwhelming. I am not a vegan, I am not an advocate of Landmark and I haven’t done a colonic since the film. I am, however, clean and sober, maintain a spiritual practice, tell my children and friends that I love them, attempt to stay current in my relationships, work out regularly, eat intelligently, read every day and call to mind the image of St. Francis in order to avoid hurting myself or others. I no longer need to request, may I be Frank; I am Frank. It’s all I ever was and it’s all I can ever be. I tried to be someone else but they were all taken.