Mid-life crisis gangsta

I feel like I’m going nuts. I just saw the movie Nine. Daniel Day Lewis renders a wonderful performance of an Italian in the midst of an operatic midlife crisis. The British and Scandinavians have drama. Italians have opera. In one scene, Lewis is driving in Rome and describing his panic attacks to his mother, Sophia Loren. “Mama, I don’t understand what is happening to me. I can’t think, I can’t write, my chest is tight and pounding. I don’t know what’s wrong with me” A giant weight was lifted. In that instant I was absolved of my craziness. I am not alone. Even guys seemingly together feel this way. Thank you Jesus.

What exactly is a midlife crisis anyway? The term was first used in 1965 by Elliot Jaques, a Canadian psychologist. He describes it as a period of profound self doubt experienced during the so called middle years. This self doubt is generated by a perception the passing of youth and the commencement of old age. This is when some guys throw any sense of shame out the window and engage in behaviors that make me feel defensive about being a man in my fifties.

This is the guy that is mostly bald but still sports a stringy braided rat tail. Obscuring the reflective pate rests an embroidered baseball hat worn backward, (or worse, turned sideways) while hip-hop blares from his brand new convertible Corvette. He is often accompanied by a woman one third his age with a vacuous sexual gaze or maybe she is just concerned about her SAT’s. But not all men go this route.

I know that sounds a bit harsh. You might even say that I’m coming from jealousy. I assure you, I am not. I have always felt a degree of self doubt. I have attempted to cure it with medication, women, religion, vodka etc. Now I am left with myself. The ‘crisis’ for me is in realizing how wrong I was about so many things. The angst is amplified by a sense that time is running out. I don’t know how many heartbeats or erections I have left. This makes it difficult to relax and enjoy the moment.

The answer, as always, is that it’s an inside job. The fears and insecurities I feel have always been there. I am facing these fears from a different place. I am not the frightened little boy waiting for the next beating. I may still be scared, but I am a man, I have tools and experience to deal with this stuff. The fears I carried blocked me from fully experiencing the joys of living. At the root of all of it is that I always felt unlovable; if you really knew me, you could never love me. I have been attending twelve step meetings for a long time and go to therapy every week. All this has prepared me to approach the final frontier: Intimacy.

Oh Christ, he’s not going to start with that new age sensitive guy drivel? Don’t worry, I’m not that sensitive and I’m old school. My quest is to love without fear. Sound easy? Try it sometime.