27 Feb 2010
The ambiguous adventure of a middle aged man
During a q&a at a recent screening, a woman sitting in the middle of the theater stood up after being called on and shouted out, “Turn around we want to see your ass.” I was taken aback by the audacity and silliness of the request. I said, “If I was a woman and a guy in the audience asked me to do that, you guys would blow his brains out.” The audience giggled nervously. I got caught up in the circus and I turned around. They applauded. Later in the lobby, a pretty young woman of 23 or so asked me to take off my shirt.
Maybe I should have felt flattered. I could have laughed it off and walked away a bit more prideful. “Hey, dig me. All that working out is paying off.” Instead, to my surprise, it felt depressing. I have never been in a situation like that. It was disturbing to think that some variation of this behavior is an everyday occurrence for women.
I always thought of myself as a progressive thinker, particularly around social and political issues concerning women. I was wrong. How conveniently I used the cloak of political correctness to obscure my darkness. My stance on issues such as equal rights and birth control are genuine. I have also used my stance on such issues to assume a superior posture and to be accepted by my peers.
I did not treat women as second-class citizens, I was all for women’s rights; equal pay for equal work, a woman has the right to determine whether or not to be a mother. Sounds good, yes? Just because a man is on the progressive side of the aisle does not exempt him from being a misogynist. Actually, what I wanted to say was a real fucking moron.
When I was asked to turn around I felt completely invalidated as a human being. In a split second I was reduced to a joke; that my heart, my mind, what I felt were meaningless. For next few days I was invaded by a murmuring free floating sadness. I was learning something unpleasant about myself. Although I would never tell a woman in a theater lobby to remove her shirt, my way of relating leaves much to be desired.
What occurred to me was that whenever I behaved condescendingly or inappropriately to a woman, I was scared. I used women to feel superior and to validate my masculinity. I did so while cunningly exalting the very group I was using. I would say things like, “I love the company of women, I find them far more interesting than men.” My God, what bullshit.
Sexual dissonance has everything to do with power or the lack thereof. When I feel centered and secure, I tend to behave in a manner that I feel good about. I shared my stage and shirt experience with a friend. She told me that this is a default awareness mode in women. She said women know this on some level before they even wake up. She also suggested that I remember that unpleasant moment on stage. Keeping that moment fresh will positively affect my relationships with every woman I know.
How that will look is unclear. However, I have noticed subtle internal shifts in my interior landscape. I have become cognizant of my eyes during a conversation with women. Prior to my debut as an objectified man, I never realized how much my eyes shifted from eye contact to scan mode. Now my eye contact is fixed. It is surprising how much conscious effort such a simple task requires. Maybe not so surprisingly, the energy feels cleaner and the tone and quality of the conversation have a deeper authenticity.
Wow. This post is so… thoughtful. I wish every man could have this experience. And I gotta say, I noticed the eye contact. It was great.
Foodie McBody
April 8th, 2010 at 6:49 ampermalink
[...] so healthy looking, and vibrant and athletic. And he’s a blogger! (I was fascinated by his blog post in which he describes feeling objectified for the first time in his life). I am so happy for him. And it also makes me think about being in this place, of achieving some [...]
Meet Frank, Kindred Spirit « foodfoodbodybody
April 11th, 2010 at 9:09 pmpermalink
Absolutely. You should feel how you felt when those women shouted at you- I mean you’re a person not an object. So much of the western world now is about appearance and sex; one just has to be aware that some people are completely sucked-in to that and they don’t see what they’re saying or doing as something harmful because it’s what they’re exposed to all the time. I suppose now after that experience you are much more aware that you have the choice to set yourself apart from what other people consider normal thinking and behaviour. I’m really glad to read this- I would recommend to you C.S. Lewis’s ‘The Four Loves’- changes one’s perspective on the man-woman relationship. Take it easy
brenda
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:26 pmpermalink
Dear Brenda, thank you for writing. It was a strange experience. I think the world has always been about appearance and sex. The difference is that now we have a deluge of media capitalizing on an ancient theme. I can’t do anything about GQ or Cosmo. But I can practice a healthy way of being. As far as setting myself apart, I am working on being a better man. I do that by going to individual therapy, couples counseling, working out, attending 12 Step meetings, eating intelligently, hanging out with positive people, praying and meditating. My God that sounds like a lot of work. Didn’t realize it until I wrote it down. I have felt separate all my life. We are all part of the same tapestry, i want to feel like I’m in the weave. I try and learn from experiences like the one I described. I can only do that if I suspend judgment. No small task. Hope to hear from you soon.
Frank Ferrante
Frank
April 25th, 2010 at 3:08 pmpermalink
SO glad you posted this entry. This how many females feel, and it can be very frustrating, depressing, disappointing…bring about anxiety, resentment, and fear. It takes a different kind of person to actually GET that. Some are subjected to it and still don’t get it. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but everything in its right place. I’m glad to see the positivity that came out of it. I’m looking forward to seeing the movie! You’re an inspiration Frank.
Shavonne
April 28th, 2010 at 6:56 ampermalink
Frank, When we are treated as an object rather than a human being it does feel gawd awful terrible. This becoming fully human rather than just a two-legged is not an easy thing. i am reminded of the first book from Ram Dass – BE HERE NOW. i loved the brown section in the middle. One of the pages in this section showed a bookcase. On this bookcase was book after book after book, with titles such as THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME and ME, MYSELF AND I. Every day i catch myself reading from these books. Over and over i must then refocus my intention and simultaneously forgive myself for putting myself above those we walk with through this life. Thank you for being open and sharing your perceptions. Thank you for sharing this earth walk with me. It feels good to know you are out there doing the work of becoming truly human and humane. it is my intention to do the same – some day i will be a human being too.
- kreshia -
kreshia s
April 28th, 2010 at 2:24 pmpermalink
Dear Kreshia,
You are human right here right now. I have squandered so many moments crucifying myself for not being who or what I thought I should be. It never occurred to me that it was good to just be. I always felt I had to DO in order to be loved. I needed a degree to give myself permission to say I was intelligent, I had to posses something outside myself to give myself value. Paradoxically, the more I engaged with others and tried to be giving, the less I thought of myself and the better I felt. I have learned that all my problems have something to do with being self centered. We are all part of the same oneness. You can’t separate the wave from the ocean. You are a good human being. Be gentle with yourself.
Frank
Frank
April 30th, 2010 at 4:38 pmpermalink
Dear Shavonne,
Thanks for your concern. I’m over it now. I am learning that for all the disparities between men and women, there are a great deal of similarities. I think my problem has been in focusing on the differences rather than the commonalities. There is a great deal of healing to be done in this area. It’s understandable that resentment would run high. It can only serve to further corrode our collective spirit.
Frank
Frank
April 30th, 2010 at 4:45 pmpermalink
Dear Foodie,
Thank you for your wonderful complements. I think the same of you. I was deeply moved by your performance and anxiously await the next one. You blog and website are fantastic! I feel honored to be considered your kindred spirit.
Frank
Frank
April 30th, 2010 at 4:49 pmpermalink
Interesting – your comments about appearance, sex, and objectification….
I did, at one time, fear aging; in our culture it seems that loss of youthful beauty results in one become a ghost. This is something every female experiences, regardless of how beautiful she may still be; age… ugh. A few years ago, however, I heard an interview with an elderly Masai woman. She was asked how the Masai perceive beauty and if it was indeed, a sad thing in her culture. Her response: everyone is beautiful; is one tree more beautiful than another? Each exhibits its own beauty.
Now, even on “bad” days, I feel beautiful and think everyone else is too. An interesting face and bright eyes, a vivid imagination are all part of beauty to me. Living part time in France, helps too! Older women are considered beings of mystery and experience. How enlightened! Much happiness to you.
May
May 8th, 2010 at 6:27 ampermalink
I agree with Brenda. I think we feel things for a reason, and maybe you can accept that your feelings were telling you that you were not respected as a human being. I think it is natural to react the way you did. It is part society values as Brenda said, and part being in public – you are open to all sorts of things. I would say also to value your feelings and use them as a guide to honoring and loving yourself, and learning how to take care of yourself. I would have felt the same way you did – I think it shows your integrity as a human being, and also it was the conscious part of you reacting.
Lynne
June 28th, 2010 at 5:43 ampermalink
Dear Frank, Let me identify myself. I was the lady who gave
you a big hug Thursday night and told you how courageous
I thought you were and still are. I want you to know that I
told everyone at work about you and the movie. You are
inspiring and refreshing and for just meeting you for the first
time, you really are a delightful man with a beautiful smile and am so proud of you. I was the one who told you my
brother has been sober 25 years now. I was the one who
said I understand. Do keep in touch. I would be so honored
to have you as a friend. That would mean a lot to me. By the way I have never talked so much about a documentary
like I did yours. I told your producer that considering the
subjects that were discussed in the film you handled it with
such dignity,honor and respect. Also you had your sense
of humor. I still think you should try laughter yoga it really
is so wonderful and it cannot hurt you. I applaud you so!
With deep admiration, live laugh and love. Keep up the
good work. You are wonderful.!
maurine pachter
July 10th, 2010 at 2:06 ampermalink