24 Nov 2009
Frankie through the looking glass
I was fat and now I’m not. In the past eighteen months I have let go of 130 pounds. That’s about the equivalent of a North Korean foot soldier. As a result, looking in the mirror is a radically new experience. I no longer brace myself and wince before slowly opening my eyes and peeking at the disaster that was me.
What happens when you look in or at, depending on where you ego is, the mirror? Sometimes I am astounded and gleeful. My brain still has a hard time believing the housing has changed so much. Lately I’ve been worried about money, relationships and career. I take a shower and get dressed in front of the mirror and think, “well, I least I look good,” or “If I can lose 130 pounds, I can do anything.”
When all that smoke clears, I can look at myself in a new way. What does that mean? It means letting myself be naked and look at every fold, mark, scar, curve wanted or otherwise, the beautiful and not so beautiful. It means scanning my body; allowing myself to experience the sadness that arises when looking and remembering times and places that drift in and out.
It means looking at mom and dad, sisters and brother. It’s looking and remembering gunshots, bayonets, blood bandages and scars. I look at my hands and remember what they’ve built and what they destroyed. I look at my hands and remember who they caressed and who they let go; I think about the shades I’ve pulled and the curtains I’ve drawn.
Then the eyes, the eyes are always last. Inward is the last place I look. Can I finally accept the good and the bad and see it only as what is? To leave the critical parent outside and just be ok with me as I am? I thought that by this time of my life I would have more answers. But the questions just keep on coming. Picasso was once asked what he thought of computers. He said, “Computers, what good are they, all they have are answers.”
hey Frank! the blog is good thing to do, shows your process, reads pretty healthy to me, I find your blog honest, humble, and shows you have the courage to change… thanks for sharing your catharsis, without facing change we would never get to experience that amazing miralcle and wonder of the next adventure..I’m inspired!
FreddyW
November 25th, 2009 at 3:33 ampermalink
Have you considered, that maybe you put on weight, so that you could subconsciously keep people away? If you felt that you’re not really worth anything on the inside, and if your outside wasn’t so pretty, that allowed you to say: “I’m not lovable, because I’m fat!” In some way that gave you control, because you could lose the weight and be lovable – at least in your mind. But it also kept you from looking at your inside and having to face your worst fear: That there’s nothing there that can be loved. This way you had an excuse, that in some way allowed you to be the victim – because the problem was other people being too shallow and judging you by your outside.
But doing all these changes and confronting yourself, you’ve taken back control. So, if you can inspire others to do the same, isn’t that alone a tangible proof that you’re worth something?
Michaela
December 1st, 2009 at 3:25 ampermalink