Raiders of the Lost Heart

Last night we screened May I Be Frank? at the Kerner Theater; formally part of the Industrial Light and Magic complex owned by George Lucas. This was where his Star Wars and Raiders magic happened. It was in this theater that these films were first viewed. Last night our humble film shared that very screen. How in the world did I get from my first vegan meal in 2006 to here?

To be honest, on our way there I nearly got into two accidents and Jackie was on the verge of taking the wheel. I was so uptight about what I was about to do I was nauseous. Jackie just kept saying, “Breathe baby, just breathe deep.” Personally, I think she was praying we could get through the evening without the aid of paramedics and tow trucks.

The venue is as one would expect a Lucasfilm theater to be. It is beautiful, understated and technically perfect. The screen is the size of an artist’s loft in Soho and the sound system commands absolute attention.

We have done over a dozen screenings with a Q & A afterward. I was always excited and never nervous about the audience. The largest was at the Victoria Theater in the Mission District. We played to 900 people in two shows. The Kerner Theater seats 140 and I was terrified.

Maryanne Williamson said that what we are most afraid of isn’t failure. Rather, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.” Last night, I received a glimpse into that world.

I have spent my entire life in turmoil over what my friend and colleague Maritza Schafer termed, ‘a dysmorphic image.’ There is a part of me that yearns to connect in order to love and be loved. Overshadowing this drive is the belief that I am undeserving and unlovable. In my developing years, the absence of good guidance and my inability to learn healthy coping skills left me feeling lost.

Addiction helped me cope and filled the void in my soul with empty calories. Apparently, this dynamic is more prevalent than I ever imagined. Somewhere in my grey matter reside the mantras, “who am I to think I can contribute something to the world?” Or, “Who am I to be beautiful, talented or lovable?”

Last night it became startlingly clear how this mechanism no longer serves me. I realized that when I employ the notion of inadequacy that in effect I imprison myself. I become the consummate victim. In this paradigm I am free to legitimately avoid risks and theoretically avoid pain of failure and rejection. That illusion was acceptable until last night.

Through this film I have been given an opportunity most people can only dream of. I have decided to recast my life both externally and internally. The universe is surrounding me with a higher love that is gently nudging me into a new way of being.

The first indication came during the Q & A last night. I often rock back and forth on stage as if I were preparing to jettison out of there. Last night I was present and felt that all was in divine order. I looked into people’s eyes and felt comfortable in my skin and in unity with the audience. I realized I wasn’t swearing during any of my answers. This is not a moral issue. What occurred to me is that I often swear when anxious or being lazy in my efforts to communicate. I felt my spine straighten and my breathing paced and rhythmic.

Standing in my own power, the project became very serious rather than capricious. It dawned on me that I was ready to be the person I was meant to be. Last night I became a new man. I am prepared to assume greater responsibility and to be of service in ways that are new and challenging. In short, to live my life firing on all cylinders.

The joy of life is in the giving. The boys were emotionally very generous to me. They were quick with positive acknowledgment and encouragement. As a result of this film, my life is blossoming beyond my wildest dreams. As we continue to screen May I Be Frank, people share their sorrows, fears, frustrations, ideas, hopes, positive projects and enterprises with me. I am often at a loss as to what to do with all the love and information. However, I am always grateful for all of it. After all, I must be receiving it for a reason.

My heart is expanding every day. This expansion is a great deal like yoga. It really looks good to watch people do it. But man does it hurt in the beginning. That is where I am now. My heart is expanding, but it also hurts. I feel like the guy who was just told he got the job. After the elation, anxiety sets in about whether he is the right guy for the gig. I am anxious and excited and my chest is tight.